I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
