I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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