If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
