i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
