i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
