We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize