Have you finally orgasmed yet?
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
