Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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