I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
