then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
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