i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
soo... how was my night?
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