can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
