Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
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