The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
