Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
