Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
