Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I'm going to jail i love you
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
