Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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