Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
