I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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