shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
