I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
