I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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