I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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