I wish my penis had an off switch
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
