walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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