So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
My ass is underappreciated
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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