I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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