I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
