Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
