Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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