I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
splinters make it hard to masturbate
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
