im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
