I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
