Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
