i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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