One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I think I sprained my soul last night
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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