I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
