Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
