In America we eat man semen.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Randomize
