Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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