I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
