My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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