My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
