Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Randomize
