WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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