I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
