Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
