My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
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