I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
