I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Thank you for not boning my boss.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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