just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
