hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
