So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
