Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
