Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
