Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
