that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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