Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Randomize
