found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
