I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
