I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
