tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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