nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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