I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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